It's so hot....

 With the temperature here in the mid-90°s for the past two days (including a so-called heat index of 115°F today) and another in store for tomorrow, I thought I'd share a collection of Johnny Carson's "It's so hot..." quips. Some are straight from him, some gleaned from the web and some originated from and/or reworked by yours truly:

It's so hot... Satan went home until it cools off.
It's so hot... Rosie O’Donnell is selling shade.
It's so hot... Burger King is saying, "If you want it your way... cook it yourself!"
It's so hot... I saw a funeral procession pull through a Dairy Queen!
It's so hot... I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.
It's so hot... the ice cream man is now only selling milkshakes.
It's so hot... every gay person who's ever come out of the closet has gone back in.
It's so hot... L.A. Dodgers fans were seen removing the paper bags from over their heads.
It's so hot... you've been getting hot flashes --- and you're a man!
It's so hot... Paris Hilton has sworn off making sex tapes until we get a cool snap.
It's so hot... I saw a dog chasing a cat --- and they were both walking.
It's so hot... Al Sharpton came over to swim at Don Imus's pool party.
It's so hot... people driving their Mustangs with the top down and seat belts on have "FORD" branded into their hips.
It's so hot... cows are giving evaporated milk.
It's so hot... digital thermometers have a reading of “Are you friggin' kidding me!!?”
It's so hot... birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
It's so hot... you've experienced condensation on your rear end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
It’s so hot... when you wear wrinkled clothes outside, they get steam-pressed.
It's so hot... chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
It's so hot... straight construction workers are wolf-whistling at the Poland Springs delivery man as he walks by.
It’s so hot... even the sun is looking for some shade.
It’s so hot... not only can you fry an egg on a sidewalk --- you can cook hash browns to go with it.
It's so hot... the retirement center is having a wet T-shirt contest.
It's so hot... Jehovah's Witnesses started tele-marketing.
It's so hot... habanero peppers are looking for some buttermilk to bathe in.
It's so hot... fish are sweating.
It's so hot... hot water comes out of both taps.
It's so hot... I saw a turkey praying for Thanksgiving.
It's so hot... you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
It's so hot... your kids' braces are giving them third-degree burns on their lips.
It's so hot... the strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
It's so hot... Dick Cheney asked to be water-boarded.
It's so hot... I saw a robin dipping his worm in a birdbath.
It's so hot... the ducks on the lake come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
It's so hot... your car overheats before you start to drive it.
It's so hot... I just saw a squirrel trying to cool off his nuts.

And it's so hot...

How hot is it?

It is *so* hot... Democrats are taking their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

(Photo illustration originated from screened.com and altered to B&W.)